Vietnamese traditional family values

Vietnamese traditional family values 
By Ton Nu Luong Trinh Traditional values of Vietnamese lifestyle were deeply affected by Confucian ethics. During thousand years the Chinese invaded and maintained control Vietnam, Vietnamese culture was permeated by their Confucian philosophical beliefs. This philosophy based for the existence of and extended family structure through 2,000 years of Vietnamese history (Lam). It was believed that: ..."in order to achieve human perfection, one must follow the established codes of behavior of Confucianism which include reverence for ancestors and respect for elders...The importance is not upon the individual's accomplishments but upon his duty to family and society" (Muzny).
The Vietnamese household traditionally followed the extended multi-generational pattern. The parents, their sons and their wives, their children, and unmarried siblings usually constituted a Vietnamese household. In this structure, frequent contacts were maintained, and this constant closeness to family was emphasized from childhood and continued to be important to Vietnamese throughout their lifetime (Lynell).
"Most Vietnamese placed more emphasis on their roles, privileges and obligations within this group than on their own individual desires"(Muzny). In this extended family, the most important expectation was respect for the elders. The family decisions were made by the parents and grandparents. The traditional Vietnamese worshipped ancestors as a source of their lives, fortunes, and civilization. The spirits were honored on various holidays and the anniversary of their death (Tran).
For centuries in Vietnam, traditional family values were accomplished by the fulfillment of traditional roles: the role of man and woman as parents. Vietnamese valued their traditional ideal of male superiority. Since the highest status in Vietnamese families is given to the man (father), he had absolute authority in the household. His position as provider for the family was unchallenged. Because he provided the main source of income for the household, he was never expected to work in the kitchen or to cook. After work he returned home and relaxed. As a head of household he had the final decision in all matters, although he might consult his wife or children. In her report, Phung cited that the father, however, had the duty to exercise restraint and wisdom in running his family in order to deserve his respected position. Having a boy in family was a "must" because the eldest son would assume the duties of his father when he died. A family which had no son to continue the process was superstitiously thought to have disappeared forever.
In a patriarchal society, Vietnamese woman had limited rights and took a secondary place in family. Women were brought up according to a strict discipline, and have been traditionally less educated than men. They usually do not enter the job market outside the home. "Girls from birth were at a disadvantage". Daughter is not considered necessary in heritage. According to Lam, Vietnamese traditional viewpoint was "If you have a son, you can say you have a descendent. But you cannot say so even if you have ten daughters".
After marriage, woman became housewife and mother. She was expected to be dependent upon her husband, budgeted his income for the household, took care of children and even grandchildren, performed all household tasks. According to Muzny, divorce was legal but not common. A wife can be unhappy in her marriage; but rather than accepts divorce, the family encouraged her to sacrifice and to endure the difficulties of the marriage for the sake of her children.
Women work at home Parental role in family was to define the law. Obedience and respect were the traditional virtues which Vietnamese children were taught to exhibit in the family. Discipline and physical punishment were acceptable remedies for disobedience in the Vietnamese tradition. "Harsh discipline and beatings did not constitute abuse of a child, but its reverse: loving care, concern and attention" (Breeman). When parents grew old, children were expected to take care of them to compensate for the gift of birth and upbringing. The elderly (parents) were supported by married or unmarried children until they die (John).
"Boys and girls are not free to do what they want. Girls are under strict supervision" (John). Western style courtship and romance were seen as inappropriate for unmarried children. "Virginity is cherished. Pregnancy out of wedlock is uncommon, and it is a grave disgrace to the family" (Muzny). For their children's marriage, parents generally made decision because they could judge better. Vietnamese parents had a high regard for education. It was considered a way for family advancement. Parents encouraged their children to study and excel in their education. Vietnamese placed a higher value on education rather than on material success. In brief, "Depending upon the family for financial support, requesting permissions for expenditures, and having parents make decisions for them characterized the traditional Vietnamese child" .

The Teacher in old Vietnam

The Teacher in old Vietnam 
By Do Thi Nga 
On April 16, 1985, Therese K. Dozier, in a solemn ceremony at the White House, received her Teacher of the Year award from the President of the United States. It happened that this outstanding teacher was a half-blooded Vietnamese. The Vietnamese community took pride of the distinctive honor and most Vietnamese magazines in the area have run the news on their front page.
It was no surprise to those people who were aware of the long tradition in Vietnam where the Teacher was only second to the King in the social hierarchy, and thus, placed above the Father. This hierarchy, like many other aspects of the social organization, has been inherited from the Chinese, as a result of a lengthy domination. In our old society, that is before French colonization, Vietnamese culture was deeply influenced by the Chinese culture, to the point that we did not have our own writing characters. Students learned from books written by Chinese philosophers. Their mind and behavior were shaped after the teachings of these masters.
The Teacher in old Vietnam exerted a large authority upon his students, who usually lived in his house. Because of this way of life, the student was good at everything to the teacher's family; he was a housekeeper, a messenger, a servant, ... a baby sitter before became a true and trustful disciple. this system of education, somewhat similar to the tutorial method of our present time, was widely used, due to lack of public schools.


The Teacher demanded that the students put blind faith in his teachings. He did not bear that they refute his words, if someone tried to think for himself, he would be severely punished, having to wear light clothes in the winter or to eat coarse vegetable soup or meals. It was not unusual that corporal sanctions were inflicted on recalcitrant students.
But, not all teachers reined such strict discipline. The wise ones won respect by mystification. They did not want to make them into phonograph records. Instead, they recognized their errors and frankly praised their students when they were right.
However, formal or informal, authoritative or not, our teachers of the old time, known as "Thay Co", did not aim at forming a generation of researchers, scientists. Their objective was to make their students into government officials, mandarins, or even rulers. To this end, the student should become a morally complete man, possessing wisdom, bravery, well versed in courtesy and poise, able to govern himself, his family, before getting to govern others (tu tha^n, te^` gia, tri. quo^'c, bi`nh thie^n ha.). He had to behave like a "qua^n tu+?", a gentleman, if we can say so, with all qualities such as: humanity, good relationship, ritual, knowledge and loyalty (nha^n, nghia~, le^~, tri', ti'n).
With the coming of the French colonialists, the Teacher in Vietnam had lost much of his authority and prestige. Still, he was well respected by his students. The impact of Western civilization opened large horizons to his knowledge. He was no more a passive slave of the archaic Chinese concepts about education. Trained in foreign countries, mainly in France, he became the new guide on the "learning journey", assuming new responsibilities in setting the goal, establishing the limits of the trip and determining the way to be taken.


To perform his duties, the Teacher was allowed to practice corporal sanctions, to the extent that they would not cause serious injuries to the students. Unruly students could be subject to a variety of bodily punishments ranging from battling with rattan stick to kneeling on the floor, through more lenient penalties like pinching the ear-lobes until they nearly bleed or hitting the joined finger-tips with a ruler.
Such treatment is completely banned in western countries, especially in the United States where students are well protected in every point of view. At his first contact with the American students, the oriental teacher might have been shocked and offended by their apparently impolite attitude: no salute at all when they come across their teacher, or if there is a salutation, it is with a single, shot "Hey", instead of the traditional hand-clasping with a bow and respectful greeting words, and with hat off.
We must admit that although corporal punishments may seem cruel in some cases, they brought good results in bringing the disturbers into discipline. And few were the teachers who were to resort to these extreme measures.
On the contrary, students who were successful in life, were deeply grateful to their teachers who have devoted their time and efforts to contributing to their success.
Teaching is a hard and extremely complex mission, so complex that one cannot see it in complete fullness. Whatever its true nature, teaching remains a noble career, and the teacher, a respectable instructor, at the same time, a counselor, a model, a confidant and a friend.

Non-verbal communication

Non-verbal communication 
By Huynh Dinh Te As in most cultures, non-verbal communication plays an important role in Vietnamese society, sometimes to accompany and reinforce linguistic symbols, sometimes as a substitute for words.
In a previous article, it was pointed out that respect is the cornerstone of interpersonal relationships in Vietnamese society. Respect is conveyed by the use of special terms of address and certain stylistic devices. But respect is also expressed by nonverbal behavior. A Vietnamese student who sits quietly and listens attentively to the teacher wants to express respect to his teacher. This behavior has often been misinterpreted by the American teacher as passivity and non-responsiveness. It is also out of respect that the Vietnamese student avoids eye contact with the teacher when speaking or being spoken to. By American standards, a person acting in this way would appear suspicious, unreliable, or mischievous. In Vietnamese culture, however, looking into somebody's eyes, especially when this person is of a higher status (in age or in social or family hierarchy) or of a different gender, usually means a challenge or an expression of deep passion. The proper respectful behavior is to avoid eye contact in talking who is not an equal or the same sex.
The smile, which is sometimes enigmatic to the American observer, is another nonverbal symbol conveying the feeling of respect in Vietnamese culture. It is used as an expression of apology for a minor offense, for example for being tardy to class, or as an expression of embarrassment when committing an innocent blunder. For the Vietnamese, the smile is a proper response in most situations in which verbal expression is not needed or not appropriate. It is used as a substitute for "I'm sorry", "Thank you" or "Hi!" It is used instead of a ready yes to avoid appearing over-enthusiastic. A smile is also a proper response to scolding or harsh words that one does not harbor any ill feelings toward the interlocutor or that one sincerely acknowledges the mistake or fault committed.
It should be noted that for certain feelings, Vietnamese culture prefers non-verbal communication while American culture is more inclined to use verbal expression. For casual and informal circumstances, feelings of thankfulness or apology are not expressed by verbal expression such as "thank you" or "I'm sorry" but by non verbal, silence or a smile. Parents and teachers never say thanks to their students for a small service, such as closing the window or passing the books around. A smile will do in this case. The person who gives a compliment never expects a "thank you" in return. In Vietnamese culture, a verbal expression of thanks in this case amounts to a lack of modesty from the person who receives the compliment.
A smile or a blush in the face is the proper response to a compliment. If a verbal response is necessary, one would deny the compliment, saying that one does not deserve it. Because of difference in the mediums used to express the feelings of appreciation or apology in the two cultures, misunderstandings have occurred.
The Meaning of Some Patterns of Vietnamese Non-verbal Communication
.

Nonverbal Patterns	Meaning in Vietnamese Culture
Nodding	Greeting; affirmative reply; agreement.
Shaking one's head	Negative reply; disagreement.
Bowing	Greeting; great respect.
Touching child's head	Not appreciated, but not offensive.
Avoiding eye contact.	Showing respect to people senior in age or status or of the opposite sex.
Winking.	Not decent, especially when directed at people of the opposite sex.
Frowning	Showing frustration. anger. or worry.
Pouting.	Disdain.
Smiling.	Agreement; embarrassment; disbelief; mild disagreement; appreciation; apology.
Shaking hands.	Friendly greeting between men (but not the elderly); not customary between women or between a man and a woman; acceptable between a Vietnamese woman and non-Vietnamese man.
Palm of right hand out, fingers moving up and down several times.	"Come here." Not used to people senior in age or status.
Middle finger crossing over forefinger or forefinger crossing over middle finger with the other fingers closed over the palm.	Obscene gesture.
Middle finger pointing, other fingers closed.	No meaning.
Thumb down, other fingers closed.	No meaning.
Thumb upright, other fingers closed.	No meaning.
Forefinger and top of thumb meet to form circle, other fingers upright.	"Zero." Poor quality.
Palm of right hand facing oneself, forefinger crooked and moving back and forth.	Offensive to adults; threatening to children.
Holding hands with or putting an arm over the shoulder of a person of the same sex.	Friendly gesture, no sexual connotation
Holding hands with or putting an arm over the shoulder of a person of the opposite sex.	Not usually done in public.
Crossing arms.	Sign of respect.
Placing one or both hands in the pockets or on the hips while talking.	Arrogance, lack of respect.
Patting a person's back, especially those senior in age or status.	Disrespect.
Pointing to other people while talking.	Disrespect, threatening.
Whistling at performers.	Displeasure.
Putting one's feet on a table or sitting on a desk while talking.	Rude.

Social relationships

Social relationships 
By Huynh Dinh Te The desire to achieve harmony between the self and the non-self remains an essential preoccupation of the Vietnamese in interpersonal relations outside the family group. The basic principles underlying family relationships is extended to the relationships between members of wider social groups. The concept of society as an extension of the family is evident in the transposition into social usage of a language originally intended for domeslic life. Vietnamese uses more than a score of kinship terms as personal pronouns. The choice of the appropriate word depends on the relative age, social status, gender, degree of acquaintance, respect, and affection between speakers and hearers who are not related to each other by blood or marriage.
In Vietnamese society, the predominant sentiment in the relation between members of a social group is respect. This is particularly evident in the attitude towards older people. Respect and consideration for old age no doubt derive from the obligation of filial piety that requires young people to respect and love their parents and parent-like members of the family. Vietnamese also recognize that a long life is a sign of kindness and regard on the part of the deity for virtuous people, and that the elders are the carriers of tradition and the embodiment of knowledge and wisdom. Old people enjoy high respect in Vietnamese society, irrespective of wealth, education, or social positinn. This respecl is expressed in both attitude and hehavior, particularly in the use of speicla terms of address and stylistic devices. Unlike Western societies that put a premium on youth, Vietnamese society is proud of its old members. Age is an asset, not a liability.
Teachers, even though they are young, enjoy great respect and prestige in Vietnamese society. In Vietnam the student-teacher relationship retains much of the quality of a son's respect for his father's wisdom and of father's concern for his son's welfare. The respect that students show to the teachers is also evident in linguistic behavior. The terms of address that students use in speaking to their teachers are the same as those they use in speaking to their parents.
Respect is expressed in the form of courtesy and in the effort to spare others from the humiliation of losing face. Face is extremely important for the Vietnamese. The individual who loses face will have to endure public ridicule and derision in the midst of his community. Furthermore, the family shares any social disgrace incurred by the individual.
Linguistic devices are one of the many ways that allow the Vietnamese speaker to save face and at the same time allow others to save face. Depreciatory terms are applied to oneself and complimentary terms are used for others. Ihe practice of "beating about the bush" to avoid answering a request in the negative, and the tendency of the Vietnamese student to say yes to questions asked by his teacher stem from this preoccupation with saving face.
"You and I" in Vietnamese
In America, people put emphasis on friendliness in interpersonal relationships while in Vietnamese society the emphasis is more on respect. We may say without fear of error that respect is the cornerstone of interpersonal relationship in Vietnamese society, whether in the family or in social circles, whether on the employment scene or between friends and lovers. This is reflected in the language used by Vietnamese in their daily life.
In making an utterance, Vietnamese simultaneously expresses ideas and concepts and an attitude of respect (or disrespect) towards the hearer. This expression is natural because it is inherent in the nature of the words used, and generally neither the speaker nor the hearer are conscious of it. But, if the speaker unintentionally (or purposedly) uses a word reflecting an attitude of disrespect, the hearer will instantly realize it and react to it accordingly.
American people use only word, the word yes, to express agreement and this word is neutral as to respect or disrspect. Of course, an answer with the mere word yes lacks the courtesy conveyed by a longer answer such as "Yes, I am"; "Yes, he did"; or "Yes, Mr. Brown". On the contrary, the Vietnamese speaker must choose between Da., Va^ng, Pha?i to express agreement. No well-bred Vietnamese would use ¯ as an answer in talking to his parents, older people, his teacher, his superior, or monks and priests. In Vietnamese, other people invite us to xo+i ("eat rice" or "take a meal"), but in replying, we must say that we have already or not yet æn (eat) and not xo+i. How complicated it is!
The difference between the linguistic behavior of American and Vietnamese people can be seen in the use of personal names. In writing a letter to a person who is not known, to ask for information or to apply for a job, example, Arnericans will usually use the term Dear followed by the person name (the last name, it should be noted); this shows courtesy and friendliness. Vietnamese people, by contrast, use only terms expressing respect such as kính, kínb tbÜa . . and never address the person by name, for this would convey an impolite, disrespectful attitude. Conseguently, "Dear Mr. Brown" is not "O^ng Brown than men" but simply "Thua o^ng" or "Kinh o^ng" ("respected gentleman").
In American society where almost nobody knows anybody else, even people living in the same apartment complex, mentioning the name of the interlocutor shows that one is interested in and friendly toward him/her, the evidence of which is to be found in the remembering of his/her name. Consequentiy to show that they are courteous and friendly, American people usually mention the name of the interlocutor in their greetings. (i.e. "good morning, Mr. Brown" or "good-bye, Miss Green" when speaking to people who are not close friends, and "good morning, Bill" or "goodbbye, Susie" when speaking to friends. In Vietnamese society, almost everybody knows the name of everybody else living in the same community. The neighbors (called "la'ng gie^`ng") are often considered as friends or relatives. In greeting, speakers avoid mentioning the name of the interlocutors, especially those who are senior in age or status
. They are called by name only when they are close friends or junior in age or status. It is easy to imagine the cultural misunderstandings that might arise from first encounters between Vietnamese and Americans.
In Vietnamese, special respect is conveyed by using function-words for respect when addressing persons such as parents, old people, teachers. monks and priests, and superiors. The verbal response begins with a function-word such as "da.", "thu+a", "da. tbu+a", "ki'nh tbu+a". Therefore the word "da.", often translated as yes, is actually a function-word showing respect and does not necessarily indicate agreement.
Personal pronouns are a word class in Vietnamese which best reflects this preoccupation with expressing respect or disrespect for other people in language. American people have one word for you to address parents, brothers and sisters, wife and children, friends and foes, and even animals. Likewise, they have only the word I (or its inflected form me) to refer to themselves when speaking. How converlient it is! But at the same time those words lack the ability to express feelings of respect or disrespect of tee Vietnames personal pronouns. People who are senior in age or status are usually referred towith such term of respect as cu., o^ng, ba'c, chu', anh, tha^`y, cha, ba`, co^. People younger than the speaker, or who have a lower status, are usually addressed or referred to with the terms anh, chi., chu', em, cha'u, con. To show anger and disdain, the terms ma`y, mi... might be used, and fawning is shown by the use of nga`i or cu. Io+'n.
By observing the use of the terms of respect in Vietnamese, people can guess, to a certain extent, the personality and good manners of the speaker as well as the relationship between speaker and hearer. The use of these words which function as personal pronouns is a very delicate matter that depends on the speaker correctly assessing the relative age, status, and degree of intimacy between speaker and hearer. A man and a woman, at their first acquaintance, will call each other o^ng and to^i (or co^ and to^i). But as the degree of intimacy reaches the level of love, the term o^ng is replaced by anh and the term tp^i will become em. When love is lost, they will revert to the initial ông and tôi. In some cases where anger, hatred, and lack of self-control prevail, o^ng may become ma`y and to^i may become tao. The terms anh/em and ma`y/tao are separated by a Great Wall of feelings and emotions.
Terms of address such as bác, cbú, and anh are perhaps the most difficult to use in Vietnamese because they can express opposing feelings and sentiments. According to the context, they may express respect or disdain, familiarity or contempt. Perhaps they are much more difficult to use than the French words tu/toi which also can express either intimacy or contempt. When we address a stranger tu/toi, the only feeling conveyed is obviously contempt. But a Vietnamese addressing a stranger as bác may mean respect (considering him on the same footing as our father's elder brother), familiarity and affection (regarding him as his uncle), or outright contempt (looking down on him as having a low social status).
The expression of respect (or contempt) is inherent in the structure of Vietnamese. In using Vietnamese, we cannot overlook this essential feature of Vietnamese culture which is the expression of respect in language.

The Vietnamese Value System

The Vietnamese Value System 
By Huynh Dinh Te The Vietnamese value system is based on four basic tenets: allegiance to the family, yearning for a good name, love of learning, and respect for other people. These tenets are closely interrelated.
Allegiance to the family
The most important factor in the value system of the Vietnamese is, no doubt, the family. The family is the center of the Vietnamese common man's preoccupation and the backbone of Vietnamese society. By virtue of the principle of collective and mutual responsibility, each individual strives to be the pride of his family.
Misconduct of an individual is blamed not only on himself, but also on his parents, siblings, relatives, and ancestors. Likewise, any success or fame achieved by an individual brings honor and pride to all members of his family. The Vietnamese child is taught from early childhood to readily forget himself for the sake of his family's welfare and harmony. Central to the concept of family is the obligation of filial piety which is considered the most essential of all virtues in Vietnamese society. The child is expected to be grateful to his parents for the debt of birth, rearing and education. He is taught to to think of his parents and ancestors first, even at his own expense, to make sacrifices for his parents' sake, to love and care for them in their old age. The Vietnamese man who lacks filial piety is looked down upon and ostracized not only by his own family but also by the community.
The profound love for and attachment to the family is extended to the physical setting in which the family is located: the native village. The dearest wish of the Vietnamese common man is, as a proverb puts it, to die in his own native village and amidst his own folk "as a leaf which leaves the branch to fall down on the ground at the foot of the tree" (lá røng vŠ ci). The native village is not only the place where he was born and brought up and where his parents and family live but also a place where his ancestors are buried. Many Vietnamese, especially people in the rural areas, never move out of their native villages or provinces. This deep attachment to the native village explains the lack of horizontal mobility in Vietnamese society.
Concept of "good name"
The value that the Vietnamese placed on the concept of "good name," or more precisely "fragrant name" (danh thÖm), cannot be underestimated. To the Vietnamese, a good name is better than any material possession in this world. By securing a good name for himself, a man can command respect and admiration from his fellow countrymen. A rich and powerful person with a bad reputation is looked down upon, while a poor man with a good name is respected. It is believed that the best thing that a man can leave behind once he has departed from this world and by which he will be remembered is a good reputation. "After death, a tiger leaves behind his skin, a man his reputation," says a proverb. The desire to have a good name, not only in his life time but also after death, betrays the deep aspiration of the Vietnamese to survive the disintegration of his corporeal frame after death in the memory of his progeny and community.
A man with a bad name will be disclaimed by his fellow countrymen and become a disgrace to his family. He will lose face, which is a terrible thing in an immobile society where almost everybody knows everybody else in the community. To acquire a good name, a man must avoid all words and actions which damage his dignity and honor. There are three ways by which he can acquire a good name: either by heroic deeds; by intellectual achievements; or by moral virtues. Leading a virtuous life is the easiest and surest path to a good name for there are few opportunities in our everyday life to be heroic and few people are endowed with exceptional intellectual qualities. The virtues most cultivated are the sense of honor, honesty, righteousness, modesty, generosity, and disdain for material gains, virtues most extolled by the Confucian doctrine. In view of the strong solidarity of the Vietnamese family, it is not surprising to know that the Vietnamese strives for a good name not only for himself but also for his parents and children.
Love of learning
The Vietnamese common man seems to have a great love for knowledge and learning. He seems to have particular respect and admiration for learned people. Like the virtuous man, the learned man enjoys great prestige in Vietnamese society. Often, they are the one and same man. The Vietnamese conceives that knowledge and virtues are but the two complementary aspects of the ideal man.
Memorial of ancient scholars in Hanoi 

People associated with knowledge and learning (scholars, writers and teachers) have always been highly respected, not only by the students but also by parents and people from all walks of life.
Learning is considered more valuable than wealth and material success. Rich people who are not educated are often looked down upon by other people and they themselves feel inferior to learned people who are poor. In the traditional social system the scholar ranked first, before the farmer, artisan, and tradesman. Even nowadays, the learned man is held in high esteem and respect. The love of learning does not spring from purely disinterested motives. The lure of prestige and the prospect of improved social status are among the strongest incentives to the pursuit of knowledge. Education represents the essential stepping stones to the social ladder and to good job opportunities . It is the prime force of vertical mobility in Vietnamese society. 
Concept of respect
The Vietnamese common man is expected to show respect to people who are senior to him in age, status, or position. At home, he should show respect to his parents, older siblings, and older relatives. This is expressed by obedience in words and action. Respect is part of the concept of filial piety.
Outside the family, respect should be paid to elderly people, teachers, clergymen, supervisors and employers, and people in high positions. Learned and virtuous people enjoy special respect and admiration. But respect is not a one-way behavior. The Vietnamese common man also expects other people to show respect to him, by virtue of his age, status, or position. Special respect is gained by leading a virtuous life, by accomplishing certain heroic deeds or by achieving a high degree of intellectuality.
Respect is expressed by specific behaviors and linguistic devices inherent in the Vietnamese language. It is one of the essential factors in the value system of the Vietnamese people.